Terrified

I’ve got to revise Ever Touched in 60 days. The first draft is technically not done, but I’m almost to the end. I see no point in struggling to finish — and eat into my 60 days — when the ending may end up changing anyway.

Today I said I’d start it. I’ve got my music ready, I’ve read the first few pages to familiarize myself with it (I haven’t read them in months), and I have an idea about how I want to work this.

Soooo what’s the problem?

Well, I’m glad you asked.

It’s something I call the “Rewrite Terrors.” Basically? It’s the fear of screwing up a book when rewriting or revising. F*cking it up good. And, as I only have 60 days, I can’t screw up anything. This is why I insisted on starting today. To give myself a month buffer. I was going to start Nov 1st, giving myself 30 days, but that seemed waaaaaaay too tight, especially with Thanksgiving and a guest coming in from out of town. I also set up my 2nd vacation the last week of the month so if I did get into trouble, I’d have more time to fix it.

I’ve done everything I can possibly do. Typically, I outline the book after finishing, but I am considering skipping that step. I may outline as I go, which will save time, I think. This way, if I do need that big picture view, I’ve got it.

This book is very, very different from the other two. It introduces a whole new race of people, and some interesting abilities. It may continue in the next book, if I can’t finish the story in this one. Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. But it also grapples with some interesting concepts. There’s science-y stuff in there, too, which I won’t reveal right now. All in all, I’m pretty happy with it. So why am I so goddamned scared?

Every single revision is scary and challenging, as I told my husband a few minutes ago. Every time it feels like it won’t come together, it won’t work, but it always does. Sometimes it requires more work, or more brainpower, or more fanagling, but it happens. I have to trust the process. I’ve revised *counts* 1 book 3 times, and 2 books once each, not including novellas and such. That’s to completion. One revision I abandoned because I’d changed everything so much that it required a rewrite (still pending). And I get scared each and every time. With the one I revised 3 times, I was super scared because it was the book of my heart and I needed it to be perfect. I still have another to do, but that’s another story.

Okay, time to chill and see if I can make this happen. Wish me luck.

Oh, and a hint as to the theme song of this book, which announced itself last week: The Sound of Silence, covered by Disturbed. I will be playing this a lot. If you haven’t checked this out, do so. It is absolutely amazing. Off to revise!

 

Year of No Fear: 2014 Manifesto – January Progress Report

A lot has happened since I sat down and made the decision to do this Year of No Fear thing. So far, my progress has been slow. I hit a few bumps in the road that made it necessary to put a few things on hold. I took a bad fall at work which messed me up for awhile. And then as soon as I began feeling better, I got bronchitis, which I’m just now getting over. Ye Gods.

The biggest thing I did in January was ICE SKATING. Several times, in fact. Hubby and I have decided to make this a year-long endeavor. I haven’t fallen (yet) but it’s been so much fun that I almost don’t care. And the feeling of conquering that fear? I can’t even describe it. It was a rush, ecstasy, heaven on Earth.

On to the little things:

~Been thinking about writing more poetry. Would like to. Being that it’s been awhile (a few years at least, I think), I have to approach this slowly.
~Been discussing dyeing my hair with my family — not that I need approval or anything. I need help, as my hair is really long. Looking to get someone to commit to this so I can DO IT.
~Brainstorming an erotica short story/novella/something. All I know right now is that it’s gonna be female/female and will involve cat shapeshifters. That’s it for now.
~REAL diet – yeah, working up to this slowly. I’m integrating more veggies into my meals and have been trying to decrease my portion amounts. As for the junk food, still working on eating less. (Baby steps).
~Photography – my planned photo shoot has been put on hold due to this bitterly cold weather. Am considering other possibilities that I can do at home. I haven’t felt up to self-portraits yet, but it’s simmering.
~Grave Touched Rewrite – this puppy is moving slower than sludge. I know why – my muse/subconscious doesn’t wanna do the same work AND yes, I am afraid to f**k it up again. Working on getting over it.
~Goal A – off the table for reasons beyond my control. Still possible for the future, though.
~Positive thinking, etc – Working very hard toward this. Making moderate progress.

So, yeah, it’s happening, just SLOWLY. But any progress is better than none, right?

ROW80 Check-In the First

Well, I’ve gotten off to a very slow start.  I’m not sure what exactly happened — when I sat down and started writing, it just…wasn’t…working.  I wrote a total of 357 words before I ran out of time.  Le sigh.

I am, however, counting the “processed” words from the first scene, even though I didn’t rewrite them completely.  I did more of an editing/tweaky pass, then began a new scene which ended up being that 357 words.  In total, it’s 1,332 words. 

Since this is a rewrite, I’m experiencing the Rewrite Terrors* and I need to get past them.  I’ve done this before, several times, so I know I can beat it.  Starting is always the hardest part.

I hope to have better numbers at the next check-in.

Running total: 1,332 words
Words remaining: 73,668 words
Feeling: wangsty
Eye report: Twinge-y with a slight chance of migraine.

*Rewrite Terrors: the paralyzing fear of screwing up your book worse in rewrite.