Perfect is the enemy of the good.

This is one of Holly Lisle’s concepts in her How to Think Sideways class.  Something I seem to have forgotten in my quest to get published.

Lately I’ve been feeling out of sorts and frustrated with my writing.  Darklight has been stalled, the poems I wrote for Turtleduck Press were like pulling teeth, and every time I sat down to write I was paralyzed by the fear that whatever I write won’t be good enough.  That anything I wrote would be crap and no one would want to publish any of it.  That everyone else would be successful but I wouldn’t be because my writing sucked and wasn’t publishable.

Talk about a head case.  I started thinking more positively, that no, my stuff didn’t suck and yes, I would be published someday, and that was that.  And I remembered how I used to write when I first started 10 years ago (!)  : I wrote with joy.  I didn’t worry about anything on the page.  I kept moving forward.  I didn’t analyze anything to death and I rarely, if ever, rewrote anything during drafting.  But as time went on, this perfectionism crept in through the cracks.  It was insidious.  Just a “that first scene isn’t right.  Maybe you should rewrite it?”  became “wow, that whole first chapter sucks.  Let’s start again.  And again. And again.”  And this is why Darklight‘s first two chapters have been rewritten no less than 5 times.  Head. Desk.

I worried too much about making it perfect — the mood, the hook, the main character — and I completely derailed myself.  I’m not even supposed to rewrite while drafting.  It used to be an ironclad rule.  Now it’s more of an afterthought.

So I decided to bring the love back.  I will write and not worry about anything anymore.  I’ll let the story unfold the way it’s going to unfold, and I will follow my muse.  NO REWRITES.  I can make notes.  But that’s it.

And I will continue to work at getting published.  I’ll edit and revise and rewrite when it’s time.

And lastly, I won’t ever tell myself that I’m not good enough, because I AM.  And I know that deep down.  Sometimes it gets lost in the daily shuffle.  No more.

As Holly Lisle says, write with joy.

God help me…

Been trying to get into some kind of rhythm and groove after my surgery.  Well, it hasn’t really happened.  Sure, I’ve written stuff.  I’ve spent a lot of time brainstorming and figuring out things.  But I’ve been feeling off kilter. I think part of it was my forced time off writing and part of it is my grandfather’s death.  He was my last living grandparent, 97 years old. His funeral was last week.  I’ve cried only once, but I’ve felt his absence.  I wrote a blog about him on the Turtleduck Press blog.  http://www.turtleduckpress.com . Scroll down a bit.  It’s called “Honoring My Grandfather.”

I have my 2nd chapbook, Without Wings, releasing April 1st.  So this month for me will be getting everything finalized.  We’re down to less than 30 days!

Alpha Female has continued to be my problem child.  I had to cut 5k because, as usual, it wasn’t working.  Started poking at it again tonight, and that didn’t go very well.  I’m thinking of setting it aside and working on it here and there. I’ve only got 5 parts to finish and the draft will be done.

Annnnnd I started the Pirouette revision.  Just 210 words, but hey – gotta start somewhere!  It’s daunting, knowing that this is the last revision (so I’m telling myself) and I’ve got to nail it.  So I’ve been putting it off.  Well, I decided today that I’m going to work on it.  Sentence by sentence if need be.  A lot of it is fine.  It just needs to be tweaked and cleaned up.  There are some things I’m changing too, but nothing major.

It feels good and it feels scary.

Lastly, I got clobbered by a plot bunny recently.  It’s a psychological horror, which I hear has no market, so I’m in no hurry to write it, but dang.  It speaks to the twisted, kinda crazy side of me and it’s drawing me in.  Relentlessly.  It’s about a girl who has erotomania – that is, she believes that someone is in love with her, a famous person, and he’s not.  It’s all a delusion.  And this is a real condition.  And it’s fascinating because, well…imagine what someone in love would go through for the one he or she loves…when the love is reciprocated.  Now imagine that intensity but without it being reciprocated but the girl believing that it is.  Can you imagine some crazy things?  Yeah.  That’s what I’m talking about.  It’s tentatively called Eros in Chains.  Another one to add to the pile.

So….this is going to be an interesting month.  I’m hoping to finish Alpha Female but who knows if that’s going to happen.  I need….something, and I’m not even sure what it is.  Just feel so lost right now.  Hopefully, I’ll find my way again.

Talking to myself yet again – Ilene and her Alpha “ability”

Sooooo I had my surgery on Feb 2nd and I am finally out of the splint and somewhat mobile after a week of being laid up.  Hated it and thought a lot about my writing, although I wasn’t really coherent enough to do anything about it (vicodin, yanno) and the #1 decision I made is to finish up Alpha Female.  So I had today off from work as well as tomorrow and I decided that since I’m supposed to be resting and bearing some weight on my ankle, might as well get some writing stuffs done.

Opened the AF document and tweaked a few sentences.  Reread the last scene and read my last “talking to myself” post.  And…went completely numb yet again.

I love the idea of there being an ability that’s the flipside of the Alpha Male madness — the “manipulation” aspect as I’ve been calling it.  I also like the two bonds going on.  But then I threw myself a curve ball, and I am still puzzling it out.  The idea that the Alpha Female can use the ability as Alpha Female but once she ceases being that, she loses the ability/memory of how to use it.  Okaaaay.  Easiest thing?  Change it.  Remove it altogether.

But I’ve never been one to go the easy route, or one to ignore something potentially cool that came from the Muse.  So let’s run with it, shall we?

And since I haven’t done a character convo in like forever, I think it’s time to do another one.  The character in question is Ilene, the former Alpha Female of the Pack and Luke, the male lead’s mother.  Natasha, Luke’s Alpha Female and the main character, has shown evidence that she’s possibly gained this ability, whatever it is, and needs to learn how to use it because otherwise her nemesis Delia could destroy her through a mental bond.

With me so far?

Okay, so Ilene doesn’t remember a whole lot about this ability for the aforementioned reason.  But I need to know what it is she does remember, and what she’s forgotten, and if this is a viable solution to Natasha’s problem.  Kind of big for a single line of text, but it might turn out to be cool.  Or not.  But I’m gonna figure this out.

*takes a deep breath*  *cracks knuckles*

ME: So, tell me about being the Alpha Female of the Pack.
Ilene: It’s an important job.  The Alpha pair sets the example and tone of how the Pack will function.
ME: That’s good.  I take it you were a good leader.  And you’re now the Pack healer.
Ilene: Correct.
ME: So what do you remember of this ability to manipulate your wolves?
Ilene:I know what it is.  It comes from the same place the Madness comes from.  It’s dark.  It’s not for evil Alpha Females, Alpha Females who want to completely control their wolves.  Tyrants.  Dictators.  It’s to keep the wolves in line, but with love and respect and goodness.  It just seems  like manipulation to some.  And then there’s keeping the ones in line that need it, like Delia.
ME: What is with this chick? She really has it out for Natasha.
Ilene: *nods* Oh yes.  She was sure she was going to be Luke’s Alpha Female.  It’s eating her alive.
ME: Truly.  So do you recall how it works?
Ilene: Through the bond.  Somehow.
ME: But you don’t recall how.
Ilene: It’s foggy.  I don’t believe it was harmful to the wolf it’s used on.  It can be if warranted, and that would need to be discussed, but an Alpha Female’s purpose is never to harm her wolves.
ME: What about the golden threads Natasha sees in her head?  Do those have anything to do with it?
Ilene: *nods* Possible.
ME: But not for sure.
Ilene: No.
ME: Any other stuff you remember, no matter how insignificant it might seem?
Ilene: Yes.  When Tasha saw Deliain her head, it pinged my brain a bit.
ME: Explain?
Ilene: It seemed familiar, as if maybe I’d had that happen to me as Alpha Female.  That might be a direction to investigate.
ME: But Tasha was hurt by that, horrifically (and SPOILER ALERT! there’s more coming! END SPOILER ALERT).  She can’t possibly have to use that to “manipulate” Delia.
Ilene: It’s a distinct possibility.
ME: What about psychic stuff?  Delia’s got something psychic going on.  Could this ability be psychic in nature?
Ilene: We as a race aren’t actully psychic, although we do use a basic form of telepathy when in wolf form.
ME: And the healing.
Ilene: Yes. 
ME: Could Luke healing Tasha have anything to do with this?  Would it give her more ..power, for lack of a better word, in this ability?
Ilene: It’s part of it, but it’s actually because she almost died once and actually died once.  It gave her an expanded awareness of her wolves on a totally different level. 
ME: Could her dying tie into the ability?  Kind of like necromancy?
Ilene: *looks baffled* I don’t think so.
ME: Necromancers don’t just raise the dead.  They communicate with the dead and can control the dead.  Could Tasha’s ability be a form of necromancy, except…it’s with living wolves?

NOTE: Now we’re on to something.

Ilene: I suppose that could be.  Don’t necromancers have an expanded awareness of the dead?
ME: Bingo.  So if we could treat this as a form of necromancy (Lupi-mancy?), maybe we could figure out how it works.
Ilene: I believe I might remember something.
ME: Tell me.
Ilene: Well…it’s the mind.  Tasha needs to connect with the mind.  Delia’s in wolf form, so it’s going to be harder since she’s not.  But that connection is key.
ME: I’m still thinking psychic.  Perhaps it’s sort of like a separate plane of existence?
Ilene: I’m not sure.  Just that it’s the mind.  Delia attacked Tasha there, and Tasha can attack or manipulate back using the same channels.  I’m almost sure of it.
ME: *smiles*  Well, I think we have a good chance of nailing this down.  Thank you so much.

So….in summary:

~It’s like necromancy except with wolves who are alive b/c of Tash’s brushes with death.  May allow her to communicate with/control/sense her wolves (“expanded sense of her wolves”)
~It’s connected to the mind.  That Natasha might be able to use the same channel, for lack of a better word, that Delia used to attack her.
~It might have something to do with the “golden threads” in Natasha’s head.
~It’s not meant to harm any wolves, but it is used to keep wolves in line.
~It’s not for “evil” Alpha Females who want to rule.

Soooooo lots to ponder, huh?

ETA: Notes: The life force or inner wolf could be the conduit for this manipulation.  Or something.

Talking to myself again

SPOILERS FOR ALPHA FEMALE AHEAD – Do not read if you want to read AF and want to be surprised.

Okay, here’s the deal.  In the current version of this pain in the ass novella that demands to be written Alpha Female, Natasha is attacked by Delia (her direct competition for Luke) and Delia poisons her.  Also, she was about to leave Luke and go home when she’s attacked.

I’ve had a few niggling issues with this.  At first I thought, ‘well…Natasha’s not good at relationships so her bailing makes sense’ but after rewriting a key scene which made it so Natasha doesn’t leave, I’m not sure how to bring in her getting poisoned.  First off, Luke wouldn’t let anyone but especially Delia near Natasha as he’s so protective of her.  I thought, ‘hey, what about that hunt scene you wanted to add?’ and then I got derailed because hello, it wouldn’t be safe for Natasha to be the only non-wolf amongst wolves, right?  She’d be vulnerable.  And she hasn’t been changed yet, so she can’t shift.  Although having her have the pain of a possible shift would be interesting.  Cuz yanno, the Pack would bring it on if she’s truly part Lupi.

So how could Natasha get attacked without it being made of fail?  Let’s see…brainstorm, godammit….

Party.  Someone lures Natasha away and Delia swipes her quickly with her claws.
Natasha tries to leave, and boom! Delia attacks her (the original plan, duh)
Hey.  Could Natasha leave the area (not to go home) — she needs some time alone or something.  Crap, I could even have er make contact with the other Covenant peeps and Alisia (her Queen) at the same time.  If Natasha snuck out, really stealthy-like (she is an assassin, after all), and Luke’s distracted by something or someone, and her bodyguard is also distracteed (too easy?) and it takes a few seconds tops for Delia to fly by in wolf form and swipe her and promptly disappear….

Hmmm.  I has problems.  Luke wouldn’t let himself get distracted.  What could take him (and the bodyguard) out of the picture?  Something else, a Pack fight, something to mediate, something that needs doing right now and he just has to leave.  But he’d have someone watch Natasha.

It’s to damn bad that Natasha can’t be invisible.  Unfortunately, I can’t bring that in because, hello, her people don’t have that ability.  I could play it like the assassins have mastered their glamour ability and appear to be invisible, but it’s actually camoflage.  But that begs the question — why hasn’t she used this ability before?  You’d think she’d use it to get away from Luke.  Then again, she prolly couldn’t in the Between, and then after that she was among everyone and there was no way to escape…could that work?  Yeah, but wanting to leave and escaping would be so much easier if she’s invisible.  Right?

But wait.  Aren’t glamour abilities lessened in our world?  Because of the truce?  Maybe she doesn’t think it would work, and then she tries, and then she’s standing there, seemingly safe, and she’s talking to her people, and bam! Delia attacks her.  This assumes that she decides to go visible again, and wouldn’t she want to stay invisible?

Maybe it stops working once she’s touched by anyone or anything.  Maybe that’s a limitation.  But Delia would need to suspect that she’s there to actually know where to start running.  Unless she sees Natasha leave, then seemingly disappear, and is really curious and sort of deduces that she’s somewhere nearby.

Ugh, I don’t effin know.

Taking a break.

Ever since I got Alpha Female back from my beta reader (who was wonderful and quick and cool about everything), I’ve been taking a bit of a break.  There were alot of things missing, due to the wordcount limit of the antho, and while I had a feeling that might be a problem, I thought possibly that I could pull it off.  I tried, right?  I made my goal of finishing the draft on time.  However, I can’t submit it because 1) it’s too long at 27k, and 2) the story would be better served by expanding it vs. cutting 2k and then trying to fill all of the holes AND keep it at 25k. 

So here’s my plan.  I’m going to expand it to about 40k and submit it to the e-publisher’s regular submissions or another e-publisher altogether.  It’s okay — the story is far darker than the antho wanted.  Sometimes a story unfolds and as it unfolds, it mutates into something else.  Also okay.  I had a feelng that was happening, and I didn’t fight it.  I trusted my muse on this one.  And, after rewriting it 3 times, I wanted to make it work this go around. 

Am I happy with this?  Actually, I am.  I learned alot about my process and got a peek at what it’s like to write to a deadline.  Obviously, there was no contract-stipulated deadline so there were no consequences to speak of, but I took it very seriously and buckled down and got it done.

The only real variation in it is that I rewrote it 3 times before finishing the draft, something I rarely ever do.  My feeling was I didn’t want to continue to write a story that feels wrong, and then have to turn around and rewrite the entire thing.  Possibly several times.  It seemed like an exercise in futility.  Normally, I’d write straight through.  But I had a deadline, so things changed a bit.

So the next thing is to expand/rewrite/edit Alpha Female, addressing the problems that my fantastic beta reader found.  And adding a few things I couldn’t fit in this go around.  I’m thinking of cutting the death of the main character’s spouse from the entire thing, or make it already happened when the novella starts, as per the original draft.  I wanted Natasha to have a reason to be emotionless and distant, and a deceased spouse could do it.  But then while writing the ending, I thought, hmmm, what if he died in the fight that injured Natasha?  Killed by the same race as the man who wants her as his mate?  Brilliant, or so I thought.  But I had a wordcount limit, so I couldn’t let it play out the way it should have been.  I could put it back in and try to make it work, or cut it altogether.  Decisions, decisions.

And then there’s Natasha being a “latent” werewolf — aka she doesn’t — can’t — shift.  My beta reader felt it was a convenient plot device, and nothing more.  I needed Natasha to have another strong reason to allow Luke to turn her — besides dying, that is.  She’s an enemy of his race, and I would think she’d balk at it — even if it saved her life.  Stupid?  Nah.  She’s just very stubborn.  So I gave her the latent thing so the idea wouldn’t be so abhorrant.  She was already part werewolf, so going that extra mile wouldn’t be so bad.  I don’t know.  In some ways it works, but then again, my beta might be right.

So that was the idea behind my break, and to rest my brain.  I’m still really tired from dragging my cast around.  And I suspect a bit burnt out, too.  I just need to recharge the batteries, you know?  Let it come, but slowly.  This weekend, I might take a crack at it.  If I feel up to it.

But what about Pirouette?  you ask.  Well — that’s happening, too.  I actually think this “rest period” has given me alot of insights.  I have the first scene somewhat figured out and a few other things.  I’m almost ready to start the big revision.  So it’s Alpha Female next, all the way to submission (my one goal for last year and this year was to submit something to someone) and then Pirouette.  Maybe some Pirouette pre-work in between.

And as usual, I got smacked upside the head with the perfect NaNo idea — except I’m not doing NaNo and I can’t do any new stuff right now.  But, it’s a doozy, and pretty unique I think.  Oh well.  It can get into line with the rest.

So…hopefully I’ll have more to report in a few weeks.

Alpha Female is done.

I officially finished it Thursday, and it came in at 27k, just 2k over what I needed.  It is now with a trusted beta reader, who’ll give me the lowdown on what’s working and what’s not working, and I’ll have less than 2 weeks to do a revision plus a 5-page synopsis.

I must be crazy.

Actually, while I’m still actively trying to make that deadline, it’s not a huge thing.  I mainly wanted to see if I was capable of producing something on a deadline.  And I pretty much did, for the most part.  It’s going to depend on what my beta reader says, because I’ve lost all objectivity.  So, I gotta wait for that.

Pirouette is next up, particularly finishing the notecards and rewriting the first few scenes.  Beyond that, it’s just tearing through the manuscript much how I did with Alpha Female, except on a bigger scale.  I’m worried that I won’t nail it, and I simultaneously believe that I can.  Which will win out?  I has no clue.

The website is almost finished — at least the writing section, anyway.  That needs to be done before Life as a Moving Target launches on December 1st.  I have a few things planned for that so stay tuned.

Life as a Moving Target is almost ready to go on sale.  I have a second proof ordered and if it’s good, then it’ll go on sale with the other Turtleduck books on Dec. 1st.  It’s so exciting, seeing it in print, something I never thought would come true.  I’ve gotten some wonderful support and encouragement on it so far, and that’s so important as the subject is so personal to me.  All in all, I believe this is going to work out nicely.

It’s after midnight as I type this, but I still consider it Oct. 16th until I wake up in the morning.  It’s a weird quirk of mine.  So….today was not only Sweetest Day, but it was the 1-year anniversary of the day the family drama began, and my life, as I knew it, changed irrevocably.  The person who caused it still remains out of my life, although I still think about this person and what this person did almost daily.  It’s not enough to say that I’m hurt, or angry.  I’m livid.  Still a bit numb, even after all this time.  My world hasn’t quite gotten back on track and I’m still feeling pretty dark and empty inside.

I don’t even know what to say.  Except there are poems in this.  They’ve been whispering in my ears for months,waiting patiently for me to put them to paper.

In other news, I’m now in a cast because my foot doc feels that immobilization of the joint might do the trick.  I’ve never been in a cast before, so it’s been a real interesting — and frustrating — experience.  Exhausting, too.  I went downstairs to my office for the first time in 4 days and was terrified the entire trip up and down.  I did it twice today, and I feel more stable.  But dang, it’s tiring. Especially going up.

I hope this is it.

Also, I got hit with a doozy of a plotbunny.  I’m not even going to speak of it, because evey time I even think about it, it grows.  Halloween is perfect timing, but I’m standing firm on my no new projects decision for the rest of the year.  It’s going to have to wait, and so will my mini-Nano.  There’s always next year, right?

So that’s what’s happening here.  I’m so excited about everything.  I can hardly stand it. 🙂

Taking the plunge.

My dear friend made a comment on my last post that got me thinking.  Yes, perhaps I’m procrastinating unconsciously.  I don’t think it was conscious because I truly believed — and still do to some extent — that Pirouette wasn’t agent-ready.  Even now, there are some unfinished scenes, a scene in which a dead person returns to the living (and no, she’s not supposed to  — that’s called a continuity error), three scenes in a row do the exactly SAME thing, and a few other things that might make me look like an idiot.  Those have to be fixed.  However, I’ve issued myself a challenge: finish the book (as in agent-ready) and get it out by the 1st of the year.  Even though I’m not sure I can finish in time,  I’ve made the decision and I’m taking it seriously.  This is it. 

So, as soon as I finish Alpha Female and submit it, Pirouette is next.  Alpha Female is roughly a week from being done.  That’s the first draft/rewrite/whatever it is.  Still needs critters and still needs to be polished.  But I’m seeing this one through because 1) it’s a great opportunity and 2) I’m making a serious effort towards finishing what I start.  Which includes Pirouette.

I’ve never considered the possibility that I was procrastinating until my friend mentioned it.  All this time, I believed that the rewrites were crucial.  I still believe that.  But there is such a thing as going through rewrite after rewrite after rewrite.  This is why Holly Lisle does one big, overall revision on every book and then lets it go.  She’s able to do it in one fell swoop whereas I tried and it took 5 passes.  I’m still learning what works for me.  But I think I’m on the edge here, and it sucks because the longer I wait, the less chances I’ll have.  I’ve known this for a long time, but maybe part of me was scared of failure.  It’s crazy out there in publishing.  But unless I self-pub everything (which is not my goal), I’ve got to take the plunge.  I gotta see if I can do it.  If not Pirouette, then something else.  Lord knows I have a ton of ideas.

So that’s the plan for the rest of the year. Wish me luck.

Update and future projects

Been sicky for the past few days, so not much has been accomplished.  However, before getting sick, I’d broken 11k on Alpha Female.  And, yes, I’m admitting it — this is kind of a rewrite/edit/revision.  Because I’m basically doing everything at once so I can send it to critters once the “draft” is done.  I say “draft” because I’m not really sure what to call it. 

That’s my crazy process for you.  It took me two false starts to get it right.  Put me behind, but I’m doing okay.  I’m not really worried.  I guess I’ll start worrying in two weeks when I need to have it done. 

I’ve been doing alot of thinking about future projects.  I’m definitely going to take another whack at Pirouette once Alpha Female is done and submitted.  That’s the top priority.  Next, the big question is, do I want to do a mini-NaNoWriMo in November?  I can’t do the full NaNo anymore (50 in 30 days) because of my wrists, but I’ve had some success with doing a 25k “mini-Nano.”  I’m tempted to start a new novel.  It’s one that’s been patiently waiting for oh….I want to say at least 5 years.  It was going to be my 2006 NaNo novel but I changed my mind at the last minute.  The story has been haunting me for five years.  A lot of it has changed — for example, the main characters were all vampires (“vampira”) and now they will most likely be a type of Dark Fae.  A few days ago, the phrase “a battlefield of souls” popped into my mind, and at first, it felt like a seedling of a new idea, but when I probed it deeper, I discovered that it could work with this novel, which is called Darkweaver.  A few weeks to a month ago, the first line — hell, the first damn page — came to me, again out of nowhere.  At work, no less.  I was even going to type it up before I forgot (I haven’t).  So it’s been really strong in my head.  Muse says it’s about damn time.  I’m trying to wait, because I have three unfinished projects that need to get done.  But then again, what would 25k hurt?  Of course, it’ll take another month of work out of the equation, and will leave me with a hanging manuscript, but I just don’t know.  I’m completely and utterly torn.  Broken could use another 25k (it’s sitting at 12k at the moment).  Flamebound needs a revision and most likely a rewrite. 

How does one choose?  Lately I’ve been going according to one, the market (which I heard isn’t the way to go, but hey — I don’t want the paranormal market to die while Pirouette sits for another 5 years) and where the project is in the process.  I’ve been making a conscious effort to finish my unfinished projects and get them submitted.  So far, Pirouette’s 3rd draft got done last year, and Survivor’s first draft last year as well.  Speaking of Survivor, there’s another one that’s haunting me.  It needs a rewrite.  I am toying with the idea of making it a trilogy.  Again, market considerations.  And the sheer time would be massive.  So that one is probably going to have to wait, probably until I sell something.

What to do, what to do?  There’s just not enough time anymore, you know? 

Soooooo I guess we’ll see what happens.  I’ll decide….later.

Progress?

Lately I’ve been well…..wangsting over my lack of publication.  Stupid, I know, right?  The Inner Slave Driver seems to feel that I’m not working fast enough.  18k so far on Alpha Female + 70 or so notecards done for Pirouette in one month?  That’s slow?  As Alisia would say, mercy me.

Okay, so I’m just a wee bit impatient.  I’m very competitive, and when I hear about writers being successful, I always feel a little sick inside.  The whole, well, why the hell aren’t you there yet? Huh? routine.  And I’d like to make it clear that I am happy for those lucky writers–I’m sure they worked hard for it — and feel no ill will against them.  However, it always shines the spotlight on what I haven’t done.  And that just blows.

And I’ve been working hard, not lollygagging around here.  I just feel so…..inadequate.  Like I should BE there by now.  But one thing I keep reading everywhere it that every writer’s journey is different.  Some get lucky.  Some actually have more time to devote to it, and thus progress faster than me.  Others struggle.  I think I’m in the middle.  I know I’ve improved alot over the last 6 or 7 years, and I struggle with tendonitis on occasion, which makes high wordcounts impossible.  My progress is more slow and steady.  I might be slower, but my wrists don’t die and maybe I won’t need to pull out the Dragon again. 

Furthermore, I have other things as well — full time job, chronic illness, a husband.  A family.  Relaxation (what’s that?) or reading time.  I’ve learned that even I need breaks occasionally.  Even I need to back off, which has been tough with Pirouette because my every instinct is screaming at me to get back to it, fix it, polish it, get it out the door, and I know that it needs time to gel more.  I’ve got a ton of ideas, and they’re all documented.  Notecards are in progress.  I’m constantly thinking about it.  But it needs time.  And that’s time I wish I could be querying it, but as I’ve said before, it’s not flippin’ ready yet.  And that’s the biggest bug in my butt here.  I can’t send out an inferior, crap manuscript.  Can’t do that.  So I gotta cool my heels and wait till I can make it better.  Sometimes I just wish I could work faster.  But it is what it is.

I’m still hoping to make my one HUGE goal of submitting something this year.  Will probably be Alpha Female, which is going okay, except that the story got away from me and may no longer fit with the antho I was looking to submit it to.  Oh well.  It’s one of my rules: I go where the story takes me, even if I outlined it a certain way or had a different idea in the beginning.  I can submit it elsewhere if need be, so this isn’t wasted time.  And I’m getting good practice on writing on a deadline. 

This whole go where the story takes me thing is how Hereafter went from comedy to friggin dark fantasy and how Survivor turned into a rich, complex story about several key characters versus the few I wanted to focus on.  It’s how Pirouette went from practically fanfic (and no, I’m not proud of it at all, but it did start the whole thing in motion…gulp..5 years ago) to its own world and own characters and its own plot and worldbuilding and such.  But if I hadn’t followed the story for the 11 months it took to write that critical first draft, Pirouette would not exist as it is today.  I’m positive about that one.  So, Alpha Female changed a bit.  I like the changes.  I think they are strengthening the story.  I’ll make a ruling after I’m done with the first draft whether or not I’m going to try to revise it to the antho specs, or just revise/polish it and send it elsewhere.

So I haven’t been sitting on my butt moaning my fate.  I’ve been productive.  I just need perspective, you know?  I need to believe, now more than ever, that I can succeed at this.  It’s been my dream since I was a little girl.  It’s what I am.  And I want so desparately to get my stuff out there, and maybe make a living doing it.  Just got to wait my turn.

Reassessing and making decisions.

Whilst on vacation, I did alot of thinking and brainstorming and figuring.  I did a bit of writing and a bit of revision, but mostly kept things open because it was vacation.  Luckily, the Inner Slave Driver was actually in agreement with me this time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to work on one book at a time.  Working on three wasn’t difficult, but it was cutting into the time I could be working on Pirouette (we’re back to Pirouette now, no third draft or 1.0).  While it was good to take a break, I’m now starting to feel the urge again.

Considered doing another rewrite for the sheer amount of stuff that needs to be changed or fixed.  A lot of people I asked about it strongly suggested against not doing a rewrite because I should learn how to revise.  Flamebound is the first novel/novella I’ve attempted to revise since a failed attempt in 2004ish.  Unfortunately, with the amount of work I still have yet to do on Flamebound (before even making the changes and such), it won’t be ready by the end of the year.  I just can’t see it happening. 

With Broken, that can be done whenever.  I have no set deadline or timeframe.  When I can, I will continue work on it.

However, my one big goal was to get something out THIS YEAR.  With the year half gone, I need to get moving.  And I feel the urge with Pirouette.  I’m using a mix of methods for this.  Some HTRYN methods and some of my own.  Also Holly Lisle’s One Pass Revision methods. Going to be notecarding soon, to figure out how the scenes are working (or not working).  I need to get a handle on Alisia and Lucien’s relationship arc.  Also Raelan’s (the villain).  I may go through them separately and then string it all back to together once it’s good.  I’ll be rewriting some things.  Refiguring others.  I’m also going through every single crit I got and making notes.  I thought I’d remember and I didn’t remember alot of it (this is from last year on the 2nd draft).  Some things I fixed in the 3d draft, but there’s still alot that’s messed up.  I’m also going to be doing some Tarot readings and some journal entries in Alisia’s voice.  I might write some in longhand.  Basically, I’m using a bunch of things that I think will help.  And I want to get through this rather quickly (not crappy, mind you, just quickly) so I can get it to my critiquers. 

I hope this will be it (ha, I said that last time) and I can move forward.  My idea is to get it to be the best it can be, using all of the things I’ve learned and using my critters’ insight.  I’m hoping I can nail it, or at least come close, this go-around.

I made a discovery while reading one of my critter’s notes.  The 2nd draft sucked.  Yeah, it had its good points, but most of it was awful.  Granted, I wrote it in 2007 almost completely with voice recognition software (and, despite my fearsome editing skills, I still missed a ton of mis-recognitions 😦  ) and well….I’ve gotten better over the past 3 years.  I think I can do a better job.

But I believe in the story.  I wouldn’t be working myself into a tizzy if I didn’t.  Sure, I could move on, but regardless if this book gets published, I need to learn to revise/edit.  Although I might be one of those writers that just does multiple drafts.  Hopefully, I’ll get a clue.  Meantime, I’ll be plugging away at Pirouette.  It needs to shine.