Normally — or what’s been normal — for the past few years, I’d work myself up into a frenzy about how awful my writing was, and naturally the muse would disappear.  I’d get depressed, and I wouldn’t make my words for the day.  I’d get more depressed, and on and on.  Yeah, there are flaws in Fey Touched.  There is an entire thread that might need to be reworked.  There are some worldbuilding things that need to be tweaked.  There’s a telepathic dog named Pixie that needs to play a larger role in the first third.

But, I also had a few surprises: a potential romance between the MC and someone I didn’t expect, the plague angle which I believe rocks, and the telepathic dog thing.  Oddly enough, I’m not a dog person at all, but I have a soft spot for my sister’s boyfriend’s German Shepard/Ridgeback mix.  And so Pixie was born.

Writing this way takes me back to the old days, when I felt free.  When I wasn’t so worried about getting published.  I just wrote.

So Fey Touched has brought the joy back.  It wasn’t even planned — it was a stray thought I had while filing one day at work and it grabbed me by the throat and wouldn’t let go.  I had to write this book.  And while the revision might be intensive, as I suspect it will be, I’m very happy with it overall.

I also have not a single thing written down in the way of plot, not even for memory purposes.  I do have a great memory, but since I hit 30, it’s been slipping a bit.  Normally I would write things down.  But having it in my head playing like a movie works.  Writing this quickly (and for me, this is very fast) keeps the story in my head and it’s flowing, changing, mutating.  I have ideas all the time, but one or two will stand out.  And that’s my next direction.  That’s how I’ve managed to write so much in going on 3 months.  It’s just there.  I don’t have to even think much.  It’s pretty amazing.  And exhilarating.  This is what I meant by writing with joy.  It’s amazing.  I feel better.

I have gotten stuck a couple of times, but each and every time (with the exception of the 11k start that needed to be trashed in the beginning), it’s been only for about a day.  I’d get into my writing headspace and brainstorm and poof!  It’s there.  It’s always there.  Pretty damn amazing.

I’ve got ideas for books 2 and 3.  Book 2 deals with the fallout of book 1, and book 3 introduces a new character who switches sides.  It’ll be cool.

Still on track to be done around February.

And I need an ending.  Currently it’s nebulous, but I trust my muse to figure it out and hopefully share.  Soon.

~I didn’t query a single agent this year, but I did participate in an agent-judged contest and didn’t even make the first cut.  However, it was a great experience putting my work out there. I also strongly believe that the book I used wasn’t the right one.

~Pirouette, my beloved Pirouette, is off the table this year.  I finished the revision (4th draft) and sent it off to critiquers as planned.  However, preliminary feedback has suggested that it might not be ready for submission yet.  While my first instinct was to rip it to shreds again, it was suggested by some close writer friends that I set it aside to gain much needed distance, as I’m failing to see its true flaws.  Now I am still waiting for the rest of the feedback, but I have a feeling I’ll get more of the same.  Either way, I need distance.  Right now, it has become the book of my heart which is not a good thing.  So, for now and most likely 6 months to a year, Pirouette will rest.  I’ll get the rest of the feedback hopefully soon and will start making some decisions.

~Pirouette was the only novel I felt was submission-worthy, so there was nothing to submit anywhere else, unfortunately.

~I’ve made the decision to experiment with self-publishing for my fiction.  I’m currently hard at work on Fey Touched, which I hope to publish through Turtleduck Press next year.

So, because if these things, everything needed an overhaul.

Let’s look at the 2011 goals, shall we?

~SUBMIT something.  This is HUGE.  This year was supposed to be the year for that, but I got a bit derailed.  I will submit something if it kills me.  Most likely either Alpha Female or Pirouette. As I said above, this was not in the cards.
~Finish up Alpha Female and get it critted. I did finish the final revision, but I’m stuck on some plot points, so this has been waiting patiently for me to return to it.
~Do the final revision on Pirouette and get it to critters. Ding, ding, ding! Done.
~Submit something! Again, did not happen, sadly…actually technically, I did submit something to that contest.  That’s big.
~Continue Flamebound revision, hopefully finish (I see a rewrite in my future…) I have continued the revision, but I’m still on lesson 8. I am making progress, just slowly.
~Finish Without Wings, my second poetry chapbook with Turtleduck Press, and get it to approvals by Feb. 1st.  This is a biggie because it still needs some work and time is ticking. Ding, ding, ding! Done.
~Write (hopefully) Darkweaver. Completely derailed, but I’m tentatively scheduling this for 2012.  I have a specific publisher in mind.
~Work on Don’t Close Your Eyes, chapbook #3.This one is also off the table, for two reasons: 1) I’m done writing chapbooks for the foreseeable future, and 2) The subject matter is something I can’t write about yet.  I’m not ready.
~Do not get derailed this time.  Stay to the goals. Ha, ha, HA!
~Get an agent. This is also off the table till I get something submission-worthy done.  I have a few ideas.

While this looks totally pitiful, I’ve learned a lot this year: roll with the changes, be flexible, sometimes you can’t keep to the exact plan, experimentation is great, and, most of all, sometimes something isn’t ready for the big time.  While it might feel that way, it’s not necessarily so.  Big lesson here.  And distance.  I’m learning this right now.

Soooooo what’s in store for 2012, huh?

This is all subject to change (gotta declare that):

~Finish Fey Touched and eventually self-publish it (includes lots of revisions and lots of blood, sweat, and tears).  It’s currently at 58.5k.  Goal is 100k.
~Continue Flamebound revision, hopefully move on from lesson 8!
~Write a novel (to be determined later.  Current contenders are Survivor Rewrite, Darkweaver, and Fey Touched 2)
~Get unstuck on Alpha Female (note I didn’t say – finish Alpha Female – this one I think is taking its sweet old time)
~Write more poetry (nebulous, yes. That’s all I’m willing to commit to)
~Take more pictures (photography has been sooooo neglected and I miss it so much!)

~And lastly, WORK ON GETTING FREELANCE EDITING JOBS.  I had a few opportunities this year but they didn’t work out, although one was a very close call.  Not only do we need the money, but my long-term goal is to make enough money to leave my day job.  Scary, yes.  Impossible?  I don’t think so, if I do this right.  And I know this won’t happen overnight — in fact, it could take quite awhile – years, maybe.  But, as long as I’m moving forward, making progress, that’s enough for me. I want to believe I can make this happen.  But if I never start, how will I ever know?

So those are my goals for next year.    What are your goals for 2012?

Magic to the Bone, Magic in the Blood, Magic in the Shadows by Devon Monk – Omigod, I am so hooked on this series that I plowed through the first 3 books in record time.  Unfortunately, I don’t have book 4, Magic on the Storm, so I couldn’t continue.  It’s on my Christmas list.  This series is very unique because of the magic system.  See, magic users must pay a price — pain, illness, memories (I especially like this given my fascination with memory).  I haven’t really seen that anywhere else.  Also, the magic between the main character and her lover is nothing short of phenomenal.  It’s so neat.  And, naturally, the plot keeps thickening and so much kept me on the edge of my seat.  I can barely wait till Christmas, assuming I get book 4, to see what happens next.

Paranormalcy by Kiersten White – This one caught my eye right away, but it took me awhile to get a hold of it.  Another book with a unique magic system and a great plot.  I’m looking forward to the next book in the trilogy, Supernaturally.  I think the thing that hooked me the most is what precisely Evie, the main character, is and what that means.  It has Fae in it, which is doubly cool.  Not gonna spoil it, but it’s intriguing.

Graveminder by Melissa Marr – I have mixed feelings about this one.  I expected an amazing book with amazing characters like her Wicked Lovely series, and I’m not sure we got that.  To her credit, it’s a very unique, intriguing premise.  The “Graveminder” is a special woman who can more or less control the dead that “wake up.”  And if she doesn’t control them, bad things happen.  This makes me all sorts of happy, because this kind of stuff is just my thing.  Dead, controlling the dead, consequences.  And the world-within-a-world idea was cool, too.  But it lacked something.  I can’t exactly put my finger on what.  I think it might have been the characters.  They weren’t vivid enough, not bigger than life like the others in the Wicked Lovely books…just, blah.  I don’t know.

Now I did enjoy the bond that the main character shared with another man called the Undertaker.  This is an actual bond that draws them together and creates all sorts of fun conflict.  You know I’m a sucker for bonds and conflicts.

All in all, it was pretty good.  If the characters were more vivid, more emotional, more alive, this book would have been out of this world.  I am curious as to whether or not there’s a sequel.  Maybe some things would be better in the sequel if there is one.

Nightlife by Rob Thurman -  I’m actually not done reading it, but I thought I’d talk about my impressions anyways.  Overall, I really like the world Rob Thurman created and the characters.  Really, really neat.  Especially what our main character, Cal, is.  Not gonna say.  He and his brother are on the run from some monsters and Nightlife details their struggles in that vein.  About halfway in, something happens to Cal that completely blew me away.  So far I’m enjoying it immensely.

My Soul to Steal by Rachel Vincent – Book 4 in her Soul Screamers series.  I love this series and the characters and the world.  This book centers on a new girl in town who isn’t all what she seems.  There’s murder, mayhem, nightmares…it had me dying (ha, ha) to read the next installment, If I Die.

One Foot in the Grave by Jeaniene Frost – Just finished this one last night.  It’s book 2 in her Night Huntress series.  I’ve been meaning to read it forever, and got a hold of the first two books.  I really enjoyed this.  Lots of twists and turns, and some big things happening with both the main character, Cat, and her lover, Bones.  I really love them both and their escapades.  I can’t wait to read book 3, At Grave’s End.

So that’s what I’ve been reading lately.  Stay tuned for more.

On tap next are A Brush of Darkness by Allison Pang, The Dead Town by Dean Koontz, Virals by Kathy Reichs, and Tiger Eye by Marjorie M. Liu.

Also, while it’s not required, I would appreciate it if you would review Winter’s Night somewhere — on Amazon, Goodreads, your blog if you have one.  And it doesn’t have to be positive, just honest.

Stay tuned for another giveaway next week. 

I’d like to give away an e-copy to a lucky person.  All you gotta do is comment to this post.  Please include your email address.  I’ll draw one name at random on Dec. 10th, so please check back!

I have been very busy with Fey Touched.  I ended my unofficial NaNoWriMo with 31k, which was fantastic.  My plan is to continue writing this month as if it were Nano.  Goal is 30k.  As of today, it is 33k.

It’s going very well.  I have some things I need to tweak, but per my new rules, nothing is being rewritten.  I also got hit with an idea for book 2.  I was actually going to use it for Fey Touched but decided against it.  It would totally change everything and it could be given the attention it deserves in book 2. Book 2 is tentatively called Sun Touched, but that might change.

Finally, I’ve been writing more poetry for Turtleduck Press, and I’m enjoying it a lot.  I’d like to start writing poetry on a more regular basis.  Also, I started working on the Flamebound revision again.  I can’t seem to let that one go, even though it’s been sitting for over a year. I think my muse is floundering a bit.  But that’s not a bad thing — it keeps me working.

Soon I’ll be making my goals for 2012.  Seems like the year just flew by!

So now it’s a science fantasy that basically has the Fey rooted in science, not myth.  Sound interesting?  It’s a million shades of cool, and I’ve been majorly jazzed.  I am beginning to enjoy writing again.  I still feel the need to rewrite stuff, but so far, I’m winning the argument.  First draft, baby.  Rewrites will come.

I’m hoping — if my wrists hold — to get a good chunk of this done by the end of the year.  I’m most likely going to publish it with Turtleduck Press, and my deadline is April 1st.  Kind of scary, but good practice, too.  So, this is my unoffical NanoWriMo novel.  It’s called Fey Touched.  The name Surrender didn’t fit as well as Fey Touched did.  I’m hoping to make this into a series.

Darklight has been put aside.  I thought I could do both, but I really work better with one project.  I need to get immersed into the story, and I can’t do that if I’m thinking about another story.

I’m still going to try to work on the Alpha Female revision as planned, after my words are done for the day.  I still believe in it and think I could make it so much better. I’d love to be able to submit it soon.

As for Pirouette, it’s with critiquers.  Until I get more feedback, I can’t make any decisions on whether or not to work on it more.  I’m guessing yes, but we will see.

I’m also writing more poetry for Turtleduck Press.  It’s been eye-opening so far.  I seem to have changed a bit, and I hope for the best.

What else?  Something huge recently happened that shook things up at home.  For awhile I couldn’t write, but now I’m finding it a comfort.  And that’s a good thing.

Oh yeah — I guest blogged on my friend Ana Ramsey’s blog.  I talked about my crazy muse and I.  Go read it.  It’s cool.  Linky: http://anaquana.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/guest-post-5-erin-kendall-surviving-my-muse/ .

…..You didn’t think that was the end, did you?

All kidding aside, you really need to read this book.  I have been fortunate to see its evolution pretty much from the beginning (several years ago) to the end.  And it’s gotten better and darker and cooler with each incarnation.

I’m going for non-spoilery, so bear with me here.  Okay, it starts with a bang — a scene in the past with the two main characters, Elise and James, who were powerful hunters of evil.  Something horrific happened and they retired.  We are thrust into the present time, where Elise and James are living out their very normal lives.  That is until they end up trying to exorcise a little girl.

It gets worse.

As an aside, I have to say: I’m not familiar with actual exorcism or demonology.  I believe there are some elements in Elise’s exorcisms that are taken from true exorcism.  I was impressed with it.  It was simple, clean, and rang true for me whether or not it’s actually real.  But most importantly, it made perfect sense within the context of the world Reine created in Death’s Hand.  Also something else I liked was the bond between Elise and James.  It’s actually a magical bond.  I don’t believe they are in love or anything like that, but are close friends that would die for each other.  I thought it was refreshing to see something other than a soulmate/mating-type bond between a man and a woman.

Okay, back to the story.  There’s this goddess of death that Elise encountered before who swore she’d come back for Elise.  And she’s in an object that is wielded by a powerful witch/necromancer.  You’ll never guess who it is (I knew from reading a previous draft, but the way it’s laid out will surprise you).  *winks* So between the possessed girl, the workings of the death goddess, the newly-risen dead (zombies?), Elise and James have their hands full.  They’re forced out of retirement.

What happens is twisty and dark and awful, but it ends happily, I assure you.  But you’ll have issues putting it down.  The last 100 pages flew for me, and I was technically proofreading, except I kinda forgot to keep an eye out at that point. I admit that.  It completely riveted me to the point where I was sitting at work counting down the hours until I could go home and read more.  It’s nuts.

Another thing, too.  This is a very unique take on demons, exorcism, witches, necromancers.  There is a lot of that out there, but you’ll find Death’s Hand refreshingly different.  I like the elements of the paranormal and the grittiness of dark fantasy.  It really, really works.

So, whatcha waitin’ for?  Check it out.

Also, this is the first book in SM Reine’s Descent series.  It is a complete story, but there is one teeny tiny little thing at the end that will flow into the next book, which I believe is called The Darkest Gate.  I can’t wait to read that.  I’m kind of addicted — uh, actually I am addicted to these stories.  ….Yeah.

Red Iris Publishing is new to the game and I believe they will become one of the finest publishers out there.  With writers like SM Reine, it’s a certainty.  So check them out.

Lately I’ve been feeling out of sorts and frustrated with my writing.  Darklight has been stalled, the poems I wrote for Turtleduck Press were like pulling teeth, and every time I sat down to write I was paralyzed by the fear that whatever I write won’t be good enough.  That anything I wrote would be crap and no one would want to publish any of it.  That everyone else would be successful but I wouldn’t be because my writing sucked and wasn’t publishable.

Talk about a head case.  I started thinking more positively, that no, my stuff didn’t suck and yes, I would be published someday, and that was that.  And I remembered how I used to write when I first started 10 years ago (!)  : I wrote with joy.  I didn’t worry about anything on the page.  I kept moving forward.  I didn’t analyze anything to death and I rarely, if ever, rewrote anything during drafting.  But as time went on, this perfectionism crept in through the cracks.  It was insidious.  Just a “that first scene isn’t right.  Maybe you should rewrite it?”  became “wow, that whole first chapter sucks.  Let’s start again.  And again. And again.”  And this is why Darklight‘s first two chapters have been rewritten no less than 5 times.  Head. Desk.

I worried too much about making it perfect — the mood, the hook, the main character — and I completely derailed myself.  I’m not even supposed to rewrite while drafting.  It used to be an ironclad rule.  Now it’s more of an afterthought.

So I decided to bring the love back.  I will write and not worry about anything anymore.  I’ll let the story unfold the way it’s going to unfold, and I will follow my muse.  NO REWRITES.  I can make notes.  But that’s it.

And I will continue to work at getting published.  I’ll edit and revise and rewrite when it’s time.

And lastly, I won’t ever tell myself that I’m not good enough, because I AM.  And I know that deep down.  Sometimes it gets lost in the daily shuffle.  No more.

As Holly Lisle says, write with joy.

Why am I torturing myself so?

Well, Turtleduck Press is putting together a winter-themed anthology, and since I can’t write a short story, it was suggested I write poetry.

Easy, right?

Oh sure, I can wax poetic on love, winter, Christmas.  But for it to sing, to move me, not so much.  I tried a new form, too, called the rondeau.  It’s French, and it involves repetition in a certain pattern.  I love poems with repetition and have been successful with both sestinas and pantoums.  And I’m normally very edgy about formal poetry, but this speaks to me.

Oh my goodness.  I feel like a novice poet — as if the past 15 years of poems haven’t been written.  I feel like a stranger in my skin.  What the heck happened?

I suspect I’m out of practice.  And writing to a theme is really tough.  I keep trying to write sad love poems.  And the Christmas poem I wrote was also sad.  I’m not sure that’s going to work.

But, gonna keep poking at it.  Maybe something will come.

Green-Eyed Envy by Kasey Mackenzie – Great book, great 2nd book to the series.  Lots of action, twists, and revelations.  Looking forward to book #3.

Blood Spells by Jessica Anderson – Omg, this book kept me on the edge of my seat, bigtime.  Just an awesome story and a great series (Nightkeepers).  I admit that I was a bit nervous as I didn’t care for the MCs of this book, but I quickly got over it and fell in love with them.  Now that’s some good writing.

Storm Kissed by Jessica Anderson – Reading now.  A bit slow to get moving, but very intriguing so far.

Grave Witch and Grave Dance by Kalayna Price – First 2 in her Alex Craft series.  I loved both of these so much that I’ll be following the series bigtime.  An interesting take on witches and necromancy, an interesting (and very cool) magic system.  Some romance.  Very good.

Seed by Ania Ahlborn - This is an indie book that I’ve been meaning to pick up and read.  It’s horror and it’s about this girl who’s basically turning evil.  There’s an intriguing mystery surrounding both the father and the girl.  It reminded me a lot of Stephen King.  I enjoyed it immensely and loved the horror and mystery aspects.

All Hallows’ Moon by SM Reine – I read this indie novel pre-release and will be doing a more detailed review soon.  It’s an amazing book and it’s an amazing sequel to Six Moon Summer.  Can’t wait to read the next book.

My to-be-read books for now (cuz my TBR list is always ongoing) are: Sing You Home by Jodi Piccoult, 206 Bones, Virals, and Spider Bones by Kathy Reichs, and The Dead Town by Dean Koontz.

Stay tuned!